Any professional or business person has a responsibility to practice what they preach. This is particularly true for Health and Wellness practitioners because so much of the practice involves mind/body synergy, that conducting a practice without knowing first hand the benefits of the therapies would be economical disaster, and poor patient care. What I think of when I imagine complimentary and alternative medicine professionals is an individual who has a spiritual energy of connection and a deep rooted belief in the powers of nature and the individual for holistic healing and total wellness. I don’t expect that everyone can be the perfect example of integral health all of the time, but I do believe that everyone can be the perfect example some of the time.

            In our crazy, stressed out society, reaching and maintaining the goal of integral health is challenging. There’s so much pressure to be faster, more efficient, more productive, that often the calmer version of being at real peace is frowned upon. I started reading the forward to the book Power vs. Force recently. I was in awe, and slightly jealous of the author’s story of profound illumination, so to speak. He describes his meditation sessions as being so intense with love and beauty that he would often find it difficult to function in normal society after completing the session. I imagine the feeling of loving everyone intensely, and seeing beautiful white lights surrounding each person that walks by me. I also imagine that everyone near me would feel my intense energy and be attracted to also feeling that energy within themselves. This is what I think of as he describes his bliss.

            I ask myself, how do I reach this state? I think for a moment that perhaps I haven’t been chosen to receive such gifts. Then I realize that’s ridiculous, that my creator would not deny me such a thing if I truly desired it. So, I am setting some new goals for meditating more, practicing forgiveness, gratefulness, loving kindness, and spending more energy with God so that I may grow my spirituality and reach my goals of unity consciousness and eternal love. I may not reach this goal in this short life time, but I will reach it eventually. Training the mind to forego the ego takes some practice. Although I am not generally well suited for being patient with myself, I will be practicing patience as I grow into my next new self.  

            .Over the last six months I have allowed myself to stumble and trip on the path to holistic wellness. In the years prior (more specifically, three years prior) I was very motivated and spent much time and energy in improving myself. I began with working on my psychological health, which translated into improving my spiritual health. Then finally approximately two years ago I really took an interest in improving my physical health from a fitness stand point. I’ve always been very conscious of my eating habits and even went so far as to nearly reaching vegan status prior to incorporating a rigorous exercise program (I did find that exercising increased my desires for meat products, and thus I gave up on the idea of being a vegan).

            But, I have since found my new love and began working more hours, allowing myself to slowly ease off of the exercise regime to spend more and more time with him. I do love my time with him, but I am noticing a reduction in my cognition and more varying in my mood since I rarely run anymore. I’m not as scrawny as I was, but I don’t feel as well either. There has to be a happy medium somewhere, and I am searching for that now.

            So I am looking to improve myself in all three areas of development; psychological, spiritual, and physical. I know that there is a deep interconnection between the three. I am looking forward to running more often and feeling that connectedness that I often feel while on a run. I can often accomplish improvements in all three categories while running and burning calories!

            Once I complete all of my classes I will be relieved of some stress and have more free time to spend on myself. I have an immediate goal of running a 5k in May. I am looking forward to feeling more of that happiness and stabilization of mood. And I also desire a closer connection to my creator. I want to feel more peace with the world and offer more forgiveness to release my baggage.

            I plan to run, meditate, do yoga, belly dance, practice Aesclepian healing and the loving-kindness exercise. I also plan to journal more and keep better record of my dreams.

            In six months I will be finishing my final course at Kaplan University. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief and pat myself on the back for my accomplishment! And seeing as my final term only requires that I take one course, I should have some time to incorporate more time for myself into my daily activities over the summer. I’ll have to sit down, criss-cross apple sauce (as my kids say), and evaluate my happiness level. My life doesn’t have to be perfect, but I do want it to be full of joy and love. I will probably always have ego centered goals for myself, but I must always find peace with where I am in the moment today.

            Something interesting happened to me today. When I was a child and all the way through my early 20’s I always wanted to be a veterinarian. I had planned to receive a transfer degree from the local community college, and transfer to a university that housed a college of veterinary medicine. Of course it had to be a college of veterinary medicine that had a program I would be interested in. At the time I was debating on either going to Arizona or Colorado. Anyway, I chose to marry the boy I had been dating and he was not interested in moving outside of Oregon since he didn’t wish to move away from his family. Now, there is a veterinary college right here in Oregon. But I wasn’t interested in their small animal program. I wanted to practice on large animals. So this did not work for me, and I gave up the idea of becoming a veterinarian.

            Recent events have occurred that have left that marriage in divorce, filled with distraught, bad feelings, and child custody issues. I have been hanging on to feelings of blame and anger at the things that I gave up in my life to be with my ex-husband. I feel sometimes as though those 12 years were wasted. I’ve been struggling with forgiveness, anger, and many other emotions.

            But this morning I was at work, chatting with a sales representative about her past experiences with veterinary school. She was in veterinary school years ago and was unhappy with the pay opportunities, the best practice opportunities, the risks involved in being a vet, the hours that many vets work, etc. She ended up getting an internship in research and development, dropped out of veterinary school and finally moved out west and found the sales position that she has now. She says that she is so thankful for not completing her education as a veterinarian. She claims that her life is so much better than her friends’ who did complete school and went on to practice veterinary medicine. The hours that they work, the pay that they don’t make, the bruises and scratches that they sustain, it’s just not worth it.

            I was able to find some peace through our conversation. I believe that my creator sent that conversation to me as a way to offer me a viable tool for forgiving my ex-husband of some of the things I have held him responsible for. I have been asking for ways to forgive. I really desire to forgive and feel grateful for my place in life right now. This is one small tool to accomplish that.

            Early this week I was having a discussion with my sweetheart about my children and my ex. Of course, any discussion about these subjects is very emotional. Our discussion turned in to me feeling defensive and a bit irritated. My sweetie doesn’t like it when I do this, but right in the middle of our discussion I felt myself getting angry, so I told him that I needed to go downstairs and chill out for a bit. He was irritated, but I went downstairs and sat in front of the fireplace, as I often do when I meditate. At first I wanted just to breathe and calm down. Once I began to calm down, I began to pray. I don’t pray like they taught me in church. I lay down on my back with my arms out and my legs crossed. I don’t know why I do that, but that’s what I find most comfortable. I intermittently spoke with God and guided myself into the silence. I often find that I may pose a question or a concern and then put myself into the gap and allow the answer to come to me. This is what I was doing.

            But the answer that I arrived at wasn’t as I had expected. The answer that I received was that it was time for me to let go. I had to let go and make peace with the fact that my children spend every other week with their dad. And I had to make peace with the fact that I will never have a cordial relationship with him, and that for now the kids would have to do activities that don’t require me to communicate with him. He has been very difficult to deal with and makes every communication a painful experience. But the kids still love him and I have to respect that. Letting go is never easy for a mother, but it is necessary.

            I was also told by God that my time for relying on others was finished and that I needed to step it back up and be responsible again. While I was going through my marital problems and the divorce cycle it had been ok to lean on others for support. But now it was time to grow up and take responsibility for myself and my things again.

            I went back upstairs and we finished out discussion. It’s not always easy to admit when you’ve been wrong, but it is always right.