The perfect apartment!

When shopping for a new home, I always consider the square footage, location, price, potential amenities, and definitely the number of rooms! I have three children and so having enough rooms is non-negotiable. When I started looking for a new apartment, I found vacancy.com on the internet and input my desired location and my minimum three bedroom need. Three bedroom apartments are not in copious supply, so I ended up with only two apartment complexes in my desired city to choose from. The one I chose is Heron Meadows. Heron Meadows has oversized apartments, a pool and hot tub, parking, play structures for the kids and wi-fi! I love that there is wi-fi since I take my college courses via the web. This is important!
I love that it's close to shopping and public parks. It's also near my kid's school so they won't have to change school districts.
I've included a link for anyone else who may be interested in checking out this apartment.
http://www.vacancy.com/oregon/eugene-apartments/heron-meadows

Any professional or business person has a responsibility to practice what they preach. This is particularly true for Health and Wellness practitioners because so much of the practice involves mind/body synergy, that conducting a practice without knowing first hand the benefits of the therapies would be economical disaster, and poor patient care. What I think of when I imagine complimentary and alternative medicine professionals is an individual who has a spiritual energy of connection and a deep rooted belief in the powers of nature and the individual for holistic healing and total wellness. I don’t expect that everyone can be the perfect example of integral health all of the time, but I do believe that everyone can be the perfect example some of the time.

            In our crazy, stressed out society, reaching and maintaining the goal of integral health is challenging. There’s so much pressure to be faster, more efficient, more productive, that often the calmer version of being at real peace is frowned upon. I started reading the forward to the book Power vs. Force recently. I was in awe, and slightly jealous of the author’s story of profound illumination, so to speak. He describes his meditation sessions as being so intense with love and beauty that he would often find it difficult to function in normal society after completing the session. I imagine the feeling of loving everyone intensely, and seeing beautiful white lights surrounding each person that walks by me. I also imagine that everyone near me would feel my intense energy and be attracted to also feeling that energy within themselves. This is what I think of as he describes his bliss.

            I ask myself, how do I reach this state? I think for a moment that perhaps I haven’t been chosen to receive such gifts. Then I realize that’s ridiculous, that my creator would not deny me such a thing if I truly desired it. So, I am setting some new goals for meditating more, practicing forgiveness, gratefulness, loving kindness, and spending more energy with God so that I may grow my spirituality and reach my goals of unity consciousness and eternal love. I may not reach this goal in this short life time, but I will reach it eventually. Training the mind to forego the ego takes some practice. Although I am not generally well suited for being patient with myself, I will be practicing patience as I grow into my next new self.  

            .Over the last six months I have allowed myself to stumble and trip on the path to holistic wellness. In the years prior (more specifically, three years prior) I was very motivated and spent much time and energy in improving myself. I began with working on my psychological health, which translated into improving my spiritual health. Then finally approximately two years ago I really took an interest in improving my physical health from a fitness stand point. I’ve always been very conscious of my eating habits and even went so far as to nearly reaching vegan status prior to incorporating a rigorous exercise program (I did find that exercising increased my desires for meat products, and thus I gave up on the idea of being a vegan).

            But, I have since found my new love and began working more hours, allowing myself to slowly ease off of the exercise regime to spend more and more time with him. I do love my time with him, but I am noticing a reduction in my cognition and more varying in my mood since I rarely run anymore. I’m not as scrawny as I was, but I don’t feel as well either. There has to be a happy medium somewhere, and I am searching for that now.

            So I am looking to improve myself in all three areas of development; psychological, spiritual, and physical. I know that there is a deep interconnection between the three. I am looking forward to running more often and feeling that connectedness that I often feel while on a run. I can often accomplish improvements in all three categories while running and burning calories!

            Once I complete all of my classes I will be relieved of some stress and have more free time to spend on myself. I have an immediate goal of running a 5k in May. I am looking forward to feeling more of that happiness and stabilization of mood. And I also desire a closer connection to my creator. I want to feel more peace with the world and offer more forgiveness to release my baggage.

            I plan to run, meditate, do yoga, belly dance, practice Aesclepian healing and the loving-kindness exercise. I also plan to journal more and keep better record of my dreams.

            In six months I will be finishing my final course at Kaplan University. I will breathe a huge sigh of relief and pat myself on the back for my accomplishment! And seeing as my final term only requires that I take one course, I should have some time to incorporate more time for myself into my daily activities over the summer. I’ll have to sit down, criss-cross apple sauce (as my kids say), and evaluate my happiness level. My life doesn’t have to be perfect, but I do want it to be full of joy and love. I will probably always have ego centered goals for myself, but I must always find peace with where I am in the moment today.

            Something interesting happened to me today. When I was a child and all the way through my early 20’s I always wanted to be a veterinarian. I had planned to receive a transfer degree from the local community college, and transfer to a university that housed a college of veterinary medicine. Of course it had to be a college of veterinary medicine that had a program I would be interested in. At the time I was debating on either going to Arizona or Colorado. Anyway, I chose to marry the boy I had been dating and he was not interested in moving outside of Oregon since he didn’t wish to move away from his family. Now, there is a veterinary college right here in Oregon. But I wasn’t interested in their small animal program. I wanted to practice on large animals. So this did not work for me, and I gave up the idea of becoming a veterinarian.

            Recent events have occurred that have left that marriage in divorce, filled with distraught, bad feelings, and child custody issues. I have been hanging on to feelings of blame and anger at the things that I gave up in my life to be with my ex-husband. I feel sometimes as though those 12 years were wasted. I’ve been struggling with forgiveness, anger, and many other emotions.

            But this morning I was at work, chatting with a sales representative about her past experiences with veterinary school. She was in veterinary school years ago and was unhappy with the pay opportunities, the best practice opportunities, the risks involved in being a vet, the hours that many vets work, etc. She ended up getting an internship in research and development, dropped out of veterinary school and finally moved out west and found the sales position that she has now. She says that she is so thankful for not completing her education as a veterinarian. She claims that her life is so much better than her friends’ who did complete school and went on to practice veterinary medicine. The hours that they work, the pay that they don’t make, the bruises and scratches that they sustain, it’s just not worth it.

            I was able to find some peace through our conversation. I believe that my creator sent that conversation to me as a way to offer me a viable tool for forgiving my ex-husband of some of the things I have held him responsible for. I have been asking for ways to forgive. I really desire to forgive and feel grateful for my place in life right now. This is one small tool to accomplish that.

            Early this week I was having a discussion with my sweetheart about my children and my ex. Of course, any discussion about these subjects is very emotional. Our discussion turned in to me feeling defensive and a bit irritated. My sweetie doesn’t like it when I do this, but right in the middle of our discussion I felt myself getting angry, so I told him that I needed to go downstairs and chill out for a bit. He was irritated, but I went downstairs and sat in front of the fireplace, as I often do when I meditate. At first I wanted just to breathe and calm down. Once I began to calm down, I began to pray. I don’t pray like they taught me in church. I lay down on my back with my arms out and my legs crossed. I don’t know why I do that, but that’s what I find most comfortable. I intermittently spoke with God and guided myself into the silence. I often find that I may pose a question or a concern and then put myself into the gap and allow the answer to come to me. This is what I was doing.

            But the answer that I arrived at wasn’t as I had expected. The answer that I received was that it was time for me to let go. I had to let go and make peace with the fact that my children spend every other week with their dad. And I had to make peace with the fact that I will never have a cordial relationship with him, and that for now the kids would have to do activities that don’t require me to communicate with him. He has been very difficult to deal with and makes every communication a painful experience. But the kids still love him and I have to respect that. Letting go is never easy for a mother, but it is necessary.

            I was also told by God that my time for relying on others was finished and that I needed to step it back up and be responsible again. While I was going through my marital problems and the divorce cycle it had been ok to lean on others for support. But now it was time to grow up and take responsibility for myself and my things again.

            I went back upstairs and we finished out discussion. It’s not always easy to admit when you’ve been wrong, but it is always right.

Unit 8

Of the exercises we've experienced throughout this course, my two favorites are the loving kindness exercise and meditation. I felt a great deal of happiness and joy when doing the loving kindness exercise. And although I required some more practice in sharing the loving kindness with my "enemies", repeating the exercise has made that come easier and I feel more at peace. As for meditation, I love being in the stillness. I let my mind wander so as not to make myself feel too antsy, but the stillness offers the most satisfying feeling of completeness, that I can't imagine not having meditation practices in my life. I do vary my meditations as I feel the need. Sometimes I use visualizing techniques and stillness meditations all in one session. Sometimes my my won't quiet down, or I feel like my visualizing isn't quite what it's supposed to be, so I'll switch back and forth as I feel necessary until I feel like I get it right. Occasionally that means that I just plain fall asleep, and that's ok too. Sometimes I'll use prayer as a form of meditation. I get some of the best answers when I just let myself talk with God as I might with my best friend. It's quite amazing.

Unit 7 - Asciepius Meditation

I practiced the Asciepius meditation in my living room and found myself wishing that I had closed the curtains and lit a candle. I don't know what my fascination with a flame is, but it really does seem to facilitate a better atmospere for me to meditate peacefully. I did enjoy the exercise, but I'd like to revisit it. I used Jesus as my visualization and I found myself wanting to talk with him rather than doing the imaging suggested on the CD. Sometimes I would just let myself go with it, and bring myself back to the exercise when I felt ready. I felt tired when the exercise was done, and laid down on the couch for awhile to rest.
I do believe there is validity in the statement that one cannot lead where one has not been. Just as one cannot be loved, if one does not show love. To be a leader in a healthcare role, particularly in a holistic healthcare role, one really must have the experience of practicing holistic health on themselves. How do you teach someone to visualize if you've never done it yourself? How do you explain the emotion in the loving kindness exercise if you've never experienced it? How can you expect a patient to follow you through a life changing wellness plan if you don't first live it yourself?

Unit 5 The subtle mind

The subtle mind exercise is just as Jerry and Esther Hicks talk about in their books. Meditation in its simplest form is always to bring the focus back to the breathing, keep the mind from wandering too far. I got a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer called "In the Gap". It teaches a particular form of meditation and comes with a CD to assist you in finding the gap. The gap is the quiet space where nothing exists except the stillness. As I meditate I find myself floating in and out of the stillness. My mind wanders, I bring it back, my mind wanders again. The cycle goes on and on. I do find that Dacher is right in that the more you practice being in the stillness, the easier it comes and the more relaxing the practice makes you. I remember when I was first trying to meditate. I thought I could never do it! What was this stillness that these teachers kept talking about? I couldn't find it to save my life. I found that I was trying too hard. I just needed to relax into the stillness. Focusing on breathing really does work. It gives your mind a focal point to ease the chatter.

Unit 4 Loving Kindness

I have spent a couple of sessions practicing this loving kindness exercise and I do find it helpful. I feel a sense of wellness and peacefulness once I'm through. This last time I practiced, I sat in front of the fire as I often do. I prefer to do my meditations in front of a candle or the fireplace. I find it more conducive to relaxing and can use the flame to assist me if my mind is to chattery. Anyway, I began thinking of people and things that I love and allowed my mind to bounce around a bit before I brought it back and focused that loving energy on myself. I had made a conscious decision to work on letting go of some baggage that I've been carrying around from my previous marriage and the troubles I've had with my ex since he moved out. So when I felt like I was feeling enough joy and love, I would attempt to bring him into my vision with intentions of forgiveness and hopes of releasing some negativity. I found that I had to repeatedly move his image behind someone that I do care about greatly to bring my joy back because I kept getting very upset. I would then bring him back when I felt well enough again. I know I didn't forgive him of much, but at least I got the process started. I think a lot of things I'm not ready to forgive yet, but I really want the negativity out of me so that I can move on. I don't want to bring my old baggage into my current relationship any more than I already have.

New Year

Seeing as a new year has finally arrived, I've been doing some pondering about what kinds of things I might like to change or improve on over the next 12 months. I have had a goal for some time now of a particular monetary savings goal. Excuse me if I don't share this on the internet, but I am maintaining my goal and it is set for be accomplished by October of this year. I am keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes straight forward.
Also, I've been doing some reading about marathon runners. Now, I've been a runner for a couple years now. I've done some 5k's, and logged a lot of personal miles through the woods and on pavement. But, I've never considered myself a marathon runner. I do however, have some coworkers who just might offer me the personal motivation needed to start visualizing myself running a little farther. Honestly, I can't fathom a whole 26. whatever miles right now, but I could start with a half marathon and work myself up. I just need to stayed psyched up for it, and visualizing the run is really what I need to do. So, here's that psychosomatic topic we've been studying. Psychology playing it's part in physiology. I need to see it before I can do it. This also aligns with the Be, Do, Have theory of behavior. One first must believe and feel what it is they desire, then act on their desire, and thence, their desire will arrive in full.